Chilean miners gave me cancer

What's more boring than 70 days worth of news updates about 33 miners trapped in a Chilean mine? A shitty ass two hour movie about it. Now I'm just speculating, of course, but the idea has been reported in the news, and it makes me fucking cringe.

33 Irritating Douchebags: The Movie

The only, and I mean the ONE AND ONLY, interesting thing about the entire ordeal came about when it was revealed that one of the miners had a mistress waiting for his dumb ass on the surface along with his wife, and I'm pretty sure that dude volunteered to leave the mine last, probably mumbling something about needing to turn off the lights and sweep the floor. Everything else was "who gives a fuck?" information.

Anyways, I ain't spending two hours of my life watching a movie about 33 morons trapped in a hole. It'll contain a lot of silly references to God, family, and praying, and that shit's for retards and boneheads.

So, Chile, get your shit together. I don't wanna see anymore shit about miners surviving 70 days in a hole clogging up my fucking news. Next time they better all be killed or cannibalized. Otherwise, keep it a secret from the world, you turds. It ain't interesting.

I pledge to fuck you America!

The GOP's Pledge to America is a free flowing river of horse shit drafted by a bunch of fucking used car salesmen pandering to the whims of a bunch of self-proclaimed patriots and capitalists who only care about those parts and actions of the government that serve their interests while everything else is about spreading socialism and faggotry.

The phrase "no shit?" repeatedly springs to mind while reading through the pages of the Pledge to America. It is, without question, an explosive expose on the secret inner workings of the U.S. government that should not be dismissed, and by that I mean blown off completely.

"An arrogant and out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites makes decisions, issues mandates, and enacts laws without accepting or requesting the input of the many." -A Pledge to America (page 2)

"Politicians in Washington have imposed an agenda that doesn’t reflect the priorities of the people. What’s worse, the most important decisions are made behind closed doors, where a flurry of backroom deals has supplanted the will of the people." -A Pledge to America (page 5)

As you can see, the Republican party blows the lid off the government's incompetence and shenanigans. Most likely they'll replace all that shady dealing shit with something totally in your face when they reclaim power. All the doors will probably be removed from everyone's offices so nobody will try anything underhanded and sneaky.

Pledge to America is all about cocks and haircuts

The entire Pledge to America contains a lot of useless regurgitated bullshit. It's strong on official sounding terms about American government and policy, cluttered with shittastical charts detailing a lot of government dumbfuckery along with images of immaculately groomed Republicans with expensive clothes and $2,000 haircuts, but some of them didn't have much hair so they had regular cheap haircuts because who wants to spend $2,000 on a fucking haircut when the hair is really only growing out of your ears and on the sides of your stupid empty head which means a man who claims to be conservative only is conservative if his haircut only cost him $9 instead of the elitist sum of $2,000, and they're all engaged in various civic activities with a bunch of geriatrics who are just happy to get out of the house and probably can't hear what's being said anyways.

Lots of shit in the Pledge to America makes no sense. Even the shit that makes sense makes no sense  because it's nothing revolutionary, it's not even thought provoking.

The GOP wasted their time and tax money with this bullshit. Nobody cares about it. They don't need it to defeat the Democrats during the elections this time around because Obama and the Democrats, despite being handed the greatest opportunity in modern American history to reshape her economic foundations, after taking their oaths and settling into their offices, promptly set out to shit all over the average American by handing billions of fucking dollars to a bunch of corrupt, wealthy, blood-sucking corporate sleaze bags so they could maintain the status quo for another 100 years, and despite being dense as fuck sometimes, the American people haven't forgotten or forgiven that.

But it doesn't matter who replaces the Democrats, be it a Republican or some whacked out variation of one such as a Tea Party candidate, America will still be fucked, it will still be owned and operated by corporations and lobbyists, and the politicians will do their bidding whether they like it or not.

I love Christine O'Donnell

I would totally do this chick. Her name is Christine O'Donnell, and she won the Tea Party nomination or some shit in some shit state for some shit job I don't even care about. What I do care about is she's probably nuts, and I bet my nuts would be sore for a week after she spent the night bouncing up and down on my wang.

During some interviews with Bill Maher Christine babbles on about Satan and witches and a "midnight picnic" which is probably cult-speak for orgies.

    "I dabbled into witchcraft. I never joined a coven," she said. " ... I hung around people who were doing these things. I'm not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do," she said.

    "... One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn't know it. I mean, there's little blood there and stuff like that," she said. "We went to a movie and then had a little midnight picnic on a satanic altar."

Chicks who are into witchcraft and Satan and shit are totally into everything else and have to be awesome in bed. At least that's what I think. Don't nobody ruin it for me.

Microsoft, the fuck's your problem?

I was browsing Computerworld last night and saw an article about IE9 beta being released. Naturally I had to have it. So I surfed my way on over to beauty of the web, not too fast now, you son of a bitch dial-up,  and started clicking wildly at any link that had "IE9" in it.

Oh shit, I can totally do this. The download is only 2.4 megabytes. While it's downloading I'll play my favorite online game: Hearts. Not because it's awesome, I hate card games, or because it's even an online game, but because that's what I play when I'm online waiting for dial-fail to finish wasting my time while it finishes downloading or loading whatever the fuck I told it to.

After the download completes I click the icon and... 

Updates? I can't do "updates", Microsoft. And the fact that I'm not being informed as to what they are or even their file sizes only makes we wonder what kind of bullshit they're trying to inject into my computer that I don't want or need. Microsoft blows ass.

And suddenly I think of this song:

  

...not because Microsoft conjures fantastic imagery in my mind through the use of emotional sound and moving lyrics, but because it's a fucking turd, a big log.

I did let the "updates" continue  but it didn't matter because 45 minutes later the shit reached the half-way point and just froze there. At first I thought, "dial-up, you fail so fucking hard." But then after doing some research I discovered I'm not alone, it's a Microsoft problem as usual. They're always trying to contaminate, clutter and wreck people's bullshit with their stupid mangy bullshit. But dial-up still sucks dick.

It's pretty fucking stupid when I can download Firefox 4.0 beta and Chrome and install both browsers without having to download "updates" while Microflop can't even get their own fucking browser to install on their own OS. I even downloaded and installed Safari for fuck's sake without any grief.

Microsoft, you suck. Fire Ballmer and higher yourself a fucking tech guy who doesn't have his thumb up his ass. You do realize you have a pin-headed maniac roaming your halls telling people what to do, right?

Net neutrality ain't shit to me

Net neutrality means all internet users have the right to send and receive packets of information equally. Got it?

Me neither. I snagged that opening sentence off of a web site somewhere, but I got bored writing this sentence, zoned out, and forgot to copy the link to the source. 

So I kept reading it until eventually I sort of figured it out. I think.

Currently I can visit internet sites "A" and "B" without restrictions or incurring extra monetary charges from my ISP.

Evil corporations want to change that. They want to divide internet content up and give priority internet speeds to assholes who will pay more and more and more money to access the content. So, once they toss out net neutrality an internet user can choose to visit certain sites at slower speeds or pay extra cash to visit them at higher speeds.

There's a whole cable vs wireless angle to it also, but let's face it, I'm on dial-up so whether I'm right or wrong about the whole thing I really don't give a shit.

Fuck YOU, dial-up

You can't do anything with it but fail all day long. No music, no videos, no games, no shit no nothing. Check email, and maybe read news headlines is about all you can do when dial-up is your door man to the internet.

If you even try to indulge yourself in any of the GOOD stuff the internet has to offer then be prepared for an ass raping good time, or a whole lot of this:

Now a sixty-year-old doesn't complain about dial-up because it's the right amount of internet speed that allows them to work crossword puzzles while their favorite page of antiques, gardens, and pets-wearing-sweaters page loads; oh, and checking their email to see if their kids bothered to remember them that month.

Being geriatric is a perfect comparison to dial-up. It's all about getting nowhere slow, and sputtering out half the fucking time trying, and ultimately just giving up.

But I ain't 60, and dial-up is shitting all over my powers of multitasking that allow me to surf porn, play video games, listen to music, and watch retards and their stupid videos on Youtube all at the same time; so, fuck you, dial-up, and fuck all the corporations and bureaucracy that are impeding the jury that should have sentenced your sorry ass to oblivion and death 10 years ago.

Dial-up, GRRRR!@##$$%

"Dial-up is the suck" by yours truly.

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